Choices
by Adarian
Summary: On the eve of Surana's Harrowing, Cullen makes a decision that will impact the rest of his life. The requested sequel to "Don't Speak"


It was time.

The hour of a mage's Harrowing is kept quiet among the leaders of the Tower. It is the most vulnerable moment of a young mage's life and it is best if they are unprepared. It was a kindness of sorts. Only the strongest would be left to deal with their terrible gift. The others would be granted the mercy of tranquility or death.

Cullen knew hers would come soon, but he was still surprised as Gregoir signaled him to the side before they entered the Chamber.

"I know you have a...tenderness towards this particular apprentice," he said firmly, "But I need you to witness what softness towards mages can mean. If the demon takes her, I need you to land the blow."

"You want me to kill her?" Cullen asked in shock.

"In case of the worst. I need you to learn your duty, Lieutenant. It is important you remember where your loyalties lie. Have I made myself understood?"

Cullen bowed his head and did not reply.

"Good boy."

He entered with the others, watching Irving lead Surana up the stairs into the chamber. She kept her face stoic, though Cullen saw her hands tremble slightly beneath her robes.

She walked the last few steps herself, entering the centre of the room as the Templar circled around her. Before she reached out for the lyrium, she looked up at him and he felt her fear. He wanted to step forth, but she fell to the ground, the lyrium swirling around her as she passed into the Fade.

He closed his eyes and prayed silently.

_Let this one live, Andraste. Let her come back to me. _

Surana had been under for nearly an hour when he felt a stir in the room. The others watched Cullen with anticipation as Gregoir stepped forth.

"It may be time now," he said softly, "If she has not come back yet, the demon may have her already. It is...a kinder fate."

Cullen's heart pounded in his chest as he replied, "No."

"Lieutenant, you have your orders."

"She needs more time," he demanded, "I know she's still there. Please, just a few more minutes. I know she can do this."

"It is not up to you to decide that. If you cannot do this, I will have to."

Cullen drew his sword, stepping between his superior and the collapsed woman.

"Go ahead and try," he threatened.

Gregoir growled, "Don't test me, boy. This is not the time nor place."

"My job is to protect her," Cullen stated, "Even from you."

He startled as he heard a gasp behind him and he sheathed his sword. He knelt down slightly, offering a hand as the elven woman opened her eyes. She smiled softly at him; her brown eyes clear as she murmured his name.

Irving stepped forth, "Come with me, child. You must have time to recover. Leave the Templars to their business now."

Surana watched him as they descended down the stairs, an amused smile on her face. Cullen watched in relief until Gregoir stepped in front of him.

"Get to my office," he ordered, "Now."

Gregoir was silent until they were both in his office and the door was locked behind them. Gregoir fumed behind his desk as he waited for Cullen to sit down.

"Are you mad?" Gregoir spat, "I gave you a chance. I don't care how much you want a bit of tail. That girl has been a security risk since the day she arrived. Who knows what she could have brought back with her? I gave you an order and you disobeyed me."

Cullen replied, "I was protecting a mage. That is my duty."

"Your duty is to listen to me. Are you this dense, boy? You have been walking on thin ice for months now. I've heard reports. You've been mooning after that girl and you've lost your focus. The Revered Mother of Denerim herself has requested that you be moved back to the city in order for your reeducation to begin. But I defended you, I promised her that you would listen to reason. And then you threaten me? In front of your brothers?"

"What will happen to me?" Cullen asked quietly.

Gregoir sighed, running his hand through his hair, "I will send you back to the Chantry for now. Perhaps in time you can return. I need as many men as I can have until this bloodmage thing is routed out, so you will stay here for the time being. You are confined to your quarters until I figure out what to do with you. You're a good lad, Cullen. It's a shame to see you throw your life away like this."

Cullen did not reply. What was he to say? That he loved her? That he thought he had better judgment than the Maker himself? He didn't care what they did to him, but he did not want to be sent away. It was worth it to keep her safe, he rationalized to himself. He had done the right thing.

But what would happen when he was gone? News would spread and she would be vulnerable. Perhaps...perhaps...

He did not know how long he sat there until Gregoir put his hand on his shoulder.

"Go get some rest," he said softly.

Cullen nodded, "Thank you, sir."

Cullen made his way to his room, pausing before opening the door. He rested his head against the frame, sighing deeply before letting himself in.

His eyes widened and he immediately closed the door behind him.

"What are you doing here?"

Surana rose slightly, kneeling in his bed as she held the sheets to cover her obviously naked body. She bowed her head and said, "I wanted to thank you."

"I did not realize nudity was customary," Cullen said, turning to face the wall, "You should not be here. You should be resting in the barracks."

He turned as she rose to her feet, dropping the sheet on the bed. She walked towards him, head held high.

"I know there's always a price to pay," she said quietly, "I don't mind. You are the kindest of them. You will keep me safe, it is a fair trade."

Cullen felt his throat constrict as he tried to whisper, "I didn't...it's not like that..."

"You want me, don't you?" she asked in slight confusion, standing inches away from him, "Irving told me what you did. Don't you find me attractive? Isn't this what you want from me?"

Her hands rested on his chest as he said softly, "Please, you shouldn't be here."

"I don't understand you," she bowed her head, "You saved my life today. For what? What could possibly someone like you want from me? Is this too brazen? Should I have waited for you on my knees and called you Master?"

She went to kneel but Cullen stopped her, pulling her to her feet.

"Is it so impossible," he said, his voice quivering, "That you could not understand? I...I love you."

Her eyes widened slightly and she stepped backwards.

"I know why you're here," Cullen said quietly, "You think if you have me as a protector, if you warm my bed, that you'll be safe from them. But the truth is...the truth is I'll be transferred soon. I was supposed to kill you today and I didn't. I threatened Gregoir's life. I...I am sorry I could not do my duty for you any longer. Please, you should go back to your room. There is no protection for you here."

He closed his eyes for her to dress and gasped as her lips brushed against his. He looked at her, watching her chin tremble slightly as she parted from him.

"What...what.." Cullen stumbled over his words.

"Just, just stop talking for awhile," she murmured, cupping his face as she pulled him towards her.

They kissed again, their lips lingering before Surana started unlacing his armour.

He caught her hands in his, "I've never done this before."

"I found the one virgin in the Tower," she chuckled, "Just follow my lead. For once, let me take care of you."

He wanted to ask what it meant as she stripped him to his bare skin, what it would mean for them both in the morning. But as her hands ran up his chest, the feeling racing down his body, he looked into her eyes and for once, saw a vulnerable smile.

Before she swept him under with a passionate kiss, before she led him to the bed, he thought to himself, exhilarated and terrified, _she loves me_.

He laid down on his back, letting her legs straddle him, their sexes mere inches from each other. She kissed his chest and he kissed the top of her head as she lowered herself onto his cock. He gasped as she moved, his mind racing with a thousand thoughts that accumulated again and again into one single phrase:

_She loves me._

He sat up, holding her in his arms loosely, her lips brushing against his with each thrust. He cupped her face in his hands, pulling her into a hungry kiss as tears streamed down his face. He felt her body shake around him and he came unexpectedly, holding her tightly as he split into her.

"I'm sorry" he started, but she cut him off with a kiss.

"I chose this," she said gently, running her hand through his hair.

They stayed this way for awhile, foreheads pressed against the other, before she pulled away, going to the pitcher on the table to wash. He followed, holding her from behind. She curled into his frame and he kissed her neck.

"Don't," she said quietly, "I know what you're going to say. That you'll find a way to make this work, that you'll find me again. But we both know how this story ends. They'll send you away and I will be here for the rest of my days. So don't tell me what you're about to say. It'll just make it harder when you have to leave."

His fingers trembled as they ran across her bare arm and she turned to face him. She rested her head in his chest and he held her to him, his heart pounding. He found a laugh arising from his lungs and he attempted to stop it. To his surprise, she smiled, giggling herself as she met his gaze.

He kissed her as he lifted her into arms. As he pulled her back into the bed, he murmured, "I'll find a way."


End file.
